“I think every twitter war is basically between people whose bios say "things about their vibe" vs people whose bios say "things about what they do"”

“screenplay writers wish they could think of shit like this”

“My Amazon package came but it was already opened from the bottom. It’s pretty clear that the thief changed their mind once they saw what it was.”

“I’m in the outskirts of Bakersfield and I’ve already seen two stretched Hummer H2 limos. The second one had six wheels.”

“I saw a Toyota pickup towing a Toyota pickup (same generation) and a Ford Explorer towing a Ford Explorer (same gen).”

“There should be a version of golf where you just throw the ball. Everything else the same”

“UFO online live now https://t.co/cBgZH6Y1Pm @alienood777”

“My Amazon package came but it was already opened from the bottom. It’s pretty clear that the thief changed their mind once they saw what it was.”

“Mint hardcore powerbombed me today in front of some dude”

“You prefer to see the homepage of a blog to be:”

“@NeoYokel I'm just here for your sound effects. 🤣”

“@NeoYokel Yes.”

“They never tell u in school that sometimes if u wanna have sex ur gonna have to listen to man go on about baseball”

“I added just a smidge of, what appears to be, very simple Swift code and building this SwiftUI code went from < 1 sec to about 15 seconds. I’m really confused how this was ever allowed to be a thing and even more so how its still a thing.”

““VR is a bit like a rich white kid with famous parents: It never stops failing upward, forever graded on a generous curve, always judged based on its “potential” rather than its results.” — @davekarpf https://t.co/4QXHTLQPWi”

“i love croutons”

“I hope they’re talking about sports”

“I hope they’re talking about sports”

“@NeoYokel idk i’ve had an ikea desk for 10 years that cost me about $70 i stan ikea”

“I really can’t believe some people pay $100 for some dumbass to build their ikea furniture . You could have a toddler do it for cheaper”

“What would you do if you saw this while driving down the road? https://t.co/sMVDxymt85”

“customer: hi can i get- me trying to kill them with my mind:”

“After Scarlett Johansson sued Disney over Black Widow's release, Emma Stone is said to be "weighing her options" regarding Cruella. https://t.co/gt7QLwzZ7R”

“martial arts is basically a kind of dancing where the goal is to stop the other guy from dancing”

“This is all I DO see, driving down the road https://t.co/UB2QNdax4K”

“customer: hi can i get- me trying to kill them with my mind:”

“funniest possible downfall for disney imo. the girlbosses have unionized https://t.co/vBFSEBSIvN”

The first official Mastodon app for iOS, with a polished look and a focus on ease of use. Getting started on the decentralized social network Mastodon has never been more straightforward!

‎Mastodon is the largest decentralized social network on the internet. Instead of a single website, it’s a network of millions of users in independent communities that can all interact with one another, seamlessly. No matter what you’re into, you can meet passionate people posting about it on Mastodo…