Station eleven was one of the books that I studied in my final year of high school, 2019… Pertinent timing, to say the least.
I feel like I simultaneously completely relate to the struggles expressed in this wonderful piece and also don’t relate at all? I don’t always value my thoughts enough to write them down, but often when I do instead of writing it down I have a misplaced faith in my brain to hold onto it until I get the chance to “properly” write it down (whatever that means), so I always inevitably forget the thought. I’ve been trying to make it easier to write down my thoughts, mainly by giving myself multiple avenues to do it, like notes apps, voice recorders, etc. and it seems like it might be helping a bit but honestly it’s hard! Especially because our thoughts often happen when our brains are idle while we’re doing things like showering or washing dishes or—in Winnie’s case—running. As I mentioned, I’ve also been trying to utilise voice memos, but just like Winnie I find using my voice incredibly challenging. I like to think I’ve mostly overcome my vocal dysphoria but it still creeps up on me in unexpected situations. Recording a voice memo with a thought when I haven’t spoken—or maybe even heard a sound—in hours? That’s definitely one of those situations.
I have spent so much emotional energy being sad about the current state of the world, but reading Station Eleven made me feel thankful that despite that the current pandemic virus being insidiously destructive, at the very least I can be here typing this because I can still charge the battery on my laptop and the internet still works. That’s the power of reading fiction I guess: imagining other worlds enable a contemplation of our relationship with the one we’re in.
We have so many thoughts passing through our brain that we take them for granted thinking that they are so plentiful and typical.
I think about why I don’t take down notes or blog as often as I would have liked. I think there is a subconscious belief that my thoughts and lived moments aren’t that interesting. To capture them there must be a belief that they are worth capturing
I often notice interesting thoughts during runs, but I don’t have something that could easily capture these thoughts. Being able to record voice memos during the run would help, but I still struggle with using my voice.
Maybe some people think that it is somewhat narcissistic to develop such an interest in our own thoughts. But I think it is a sort of respect to the complex network that exists in our brains, and this complex network is connected to a much more complex network that is this world. The interestingness forms when we consume something in the external world and process it with our inner selves.
Perhaps some people think self-expression is selfish, but I think it is one of the ultimate forms of participating in the world. It is not easy to give that time, space and respect to our inner selves, to believe something beautiful can emerge.
To me it is like having faith that it is a matter of time that something interesting will be captured. There are no questions, no doubt, no what ifs, no am I good enough. Just a knowing of an almost primal quality.
I am almost always dismissive of the messy world that lives in my head.
