Substrate

“The friends that I keep close make me the best version of myself, but I’ve never found that consistently in a romantic relationship. I’m growing to understand that romance and love are not rational (thank you, therapy?). Historically, I’ve looked at romantic relationships as a test of what I have to offer. Do you like me? What are the qualities about me that you like? You’re having fun, right? What I’m getting at is this — I know I’m a good friend. I can evaluate friendships rationally, articulately. But with relationships or dating there’s this factor of capital-F Feelings added to the picture. They’re weird and messy. The butterflies-in-your-chest feeling is foreign, like anxiety rather than attraction. I’m not comfortable with capital-F Feelings yet. Because most of my past relationships have been maybe not in the absence of Feelings, but not formed on them alone. So I’m working through these things.”