We all want to be seen in our way, whether it be by a broader audience, a romantic partner, esteemed peers—but what's becoming clearer to me is how imperative it is for me to see me. That is quite possibly the only important thing, the thing that drives the regard of others. The problem is that as a beautiful* woman, you become accustomed to being a constant focus of the most superficial kind of gaze, the only kind that you think exists. It convinces you that you are powerful, and you become drunk on this power, addicted, and it becomes the worst kind of crutch and measure of self-worth. Its decline is terrible and slow and steady. You think you're becoming invisible, and you begin to doubt yourself. The fact that you suffer so much from this is also deeply embarassing. It feels shallow, indulgent, and bourgeois.