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my kingdom for a modern au romcom-esque misunderstanding where lan xichen meets his little brother’s new friend and lxc can immediately tell that lwj has a crush—but lxc thinks wwx is just messing around with lwj’s feelings, and he decides to step in

"Ah! I know!" Wei Ying pointed at the pretty young master. "If I agree to help you in the fight against Wen Ruohan, then you have to give me your firstborn child." The young man's eyes grew wide. For a moment, he seemed wholly taken aback. Then his expression hardened and he nodded. "I cannot create life by myself. If the Yiling Patriarch wishes to claim my child, he must first help me conceive." (In which the "terrifying" Yiling Patriarch strikes a bargain, and winds up in over his head.)

The marriage is supposed to be a punishment, a way to extend Wei Wuxian’s isolation. After all, Wangji has met the man (when they had both been boys, untouched by war); Wei Wuxian could hardly be asked to fit seamlessly into the regimented life of a Lan. Yu Ziyuan is a formidable, cruel woman, Wangji decides then. She is also wrong if she thinks Wangji will play part in her cruelty. (And Wei Wuxian, it seems, is so much more than meets the eye). * There is a tale of the Light of Stars and the Destroyer.

Su Yu was a chef working in a famous restaurant before he transmigrated accidentally into the historical times, where he is now the poor, unfavoured son whose father has just died, allowing his greedy relatives to attempt to snatch his rightful inheritance and wealth away. He and his non-blood-related mother, who is his father’s lawful wedded wife, are so poor and bullied on that Su Yu decides that he can put his skills to good use - he hasn’t caught, cleaned of fillet a fish for years as those are things that his assistants do, but he’s definitely an expert at it. In his plan to strike riches, Su Yu begins with buying fish from the fishermen at the docks every morning and then brings them to the market, sets up a stall and sells them. He then moves on to purchasing squids to make grilled squid sticks, something that is not done by the people during this time. His entrepreneurship lends him some fame and popularity for a while as his income increases and steadies. He comes across this beautiful cat who is about to be bullied and killed by a merciless guard, and then brings it home with him. He does not know that the cat he is holding onto is the current Emperor, who has been forced to stick to his cat-form as he was unable to control his shapeshifting for a bit and is stuck like this for a while. The cat-shapeshifting thing is a secret that is only known by members of the imperial family. Su Yu calls him Jiang Zhi Er (sauce), which the Emperor, whose name is An Hong Che, is very unhappy about, but Su Yu introduces him to grilled squid and then he decides that he wants to make sure Su Yu stays by his side. In order to do that however, he needs to be able to marry Su Yu. Along the way, Su Yu successfully opens his own restaurant and fights back against his greedy relatives with the help of An Hong Che, not that he knows that in the beginning. With his mad culinary skills, Su Yu excels time and time again.

REALLY CUTE Wangxian art

In a universe with no Federation, where First Contact never happened, Jim Kirk is your average popular guy. On Christmas Eve, thanks to a series of strange events, Jim finds himself in a parallel universe where the Milky Way is under the control of an alien race and ends up as a servant in the residence of the Royal House of Vulcan. As he starts adapting to his new life, Jim's curiosity fucks everything up—but hey, Vulcans shouldn't have told him that he isn't allowed to enter this wing of the palace; Jim has never been good at following rules. Or, This is the story of how Jim Kirk became a Princess ("Prince Consort, Bones!") of the United Planets of Vulcan Kingdom.

Nothing leaves the Burial Mounds alive.

“That’s your dad?” Jingyi asks slowly. “Yes?” Sizhui sits up a little, propped on his elbows. He feels wrong-footed, and glances back at the picture for some sort of hint as to what’s going on. “Why?” Jingyi sits up, too, and hands the phone back. “Your dad is my dad’s ex-husband,” he says bluntly. “Come on. Get your jacket. We’ll need ice cream for this one.” It’s a very strange way to have your life turned completely upside down, Sizhui thinks.

Outside, it’s grown dark and the air smells faintly of woodsmoke and petrol and car exhaust fumes; all the familiar autumn London scents. Lan Wangji is glad for his jacket. Without the sun, the wind cuts through him. He looks at Wei Wuxian’s thin tunic and thinks, He must be cold. “Ahh,” Wei Wuxian sighs, taking a deep breath in. “I love the smell of September. Always reminds me of that back-to-school feeling, you know? It makes me think of new beginnings.” He looks directly at Lan Wangji when he says new beginnings. Lan Wangji swallows. — A love story told through various acts of civil disobedience, visits to London landmarks, activist rallies, and elaborate cooking endeavours.

“Why would we get in trouble? We aren’t due to dinner until sundown,” Wei Wuxian, pointing to the sun that was still high in the sky and making Lan Zhan look like a goddamn painting, “Sun is still very up.” “Lan Xichen has just arrived,” Jiang Cheng said, looking to Lan Wangji before looking back to Wei Wuxian more pointedly, “Early.” OR Lan Xichen invites Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian on a very special nighthunt.

It doesn’t mean much coming from Jiang Cheng, Wei Ying thinks. He’s pretty sure Jiang Cheng has to be coaxed out of his hanfu by the laundry wranglers. He doesn’t even think he’s seen Jiang Cheng suffer a pair of jeans in three weeks. He thinks Jiang Cheng takes home the underclothes and sleeps in them, cuddling the knockoff Zidian like a teddy bear. Wei Ying lands a job as the Yiling Patriarch at the Lanling Cultivation Museum. Lan Zhan (Hanguang-Jun 4x per week, Sect Leader Lan 2x per week) suffers accordingly.

Shapeshifter Lan Wangji is caught off guard when he turns into a rabbit while doing his weekly errands. Fortunately, he runs into a kind young man who seems very eager to have a pet rabbit. Soon, Lan Wangji finds himself delaying his return to human form and struggling to spend a little more time with his new 'owner'. (In which Lan Wangji is Bunji, a strong-willed yet surprisingly affectionate rabbit.)

Ghosts were drawn to the ring roads.

To get his hands on the Yin Tiger Seal, Jin Guangshan decides to make Wei Wuxian part of the Lanling Jin sect through marriage to his son and heir. Exactly nobody is happy about this.

He'll just...keep an eye on Xiao Zhan. It'll be easy, with this crazy intense filming schedule. They're going to spend most of their waking hours together for the next five months when they're on set. If there's anything remotely strange about Xiao Zhan, he's going to have a hard time hiding it from Yibo. Yibo's going to figure this out. He's got a 3 step plan.

“Who was it, shijie?” asks Wei Ying after a short silence. “Who was the dragon in disguise?” “The tall, serious man in white,” says Jiang Yanli calmly, unaware of the way she’s just torn the bottom out of Wei Ying’s stomach. “He was wearing a ribbon around his forehead. Otherwise I might not have made the connection.” Oh fuck, thinks Wei Ying. Lan Zhan is a fucking dragon? --- Wei Ying is invited to visit the home of his enigmatic new friend Lan Wangji. It just so happens that Lan Wangji’s home is a mountain palace full of immortal water guardians who all seem to have extremely alien ideas about what’s appropriate in public.

bb lwj who's like 7 and playing in his backyard when he stumbles across a small black rabbit munching on some cabbages in his family's vegetable garden

The single faceless, anonymous photograph on the profile that catches his eye is shot in elegant black-and-white, and there’s something about the crispness of the focus and the markedly off-center composition that says art, for once, rather than mugshot. The caption below is equally sparse: “5’6. Demanding.” (Or: Meng Yao gets wrecked by that Good Lan Dick. Lan Xichen gets wrecked by Meng Yao's Whole Deal.)

Hilarious back and forth passive aggressive email exchange

The message says, I require exclusive commitment as well as flexibility. You may spend the night, but not always. I will be the one to keep the schedule of our meetings. Wei Ying crunches on a chip thoughtfully, then takes a deep breath and writes back, What do I get in return?

The rumor says that the Yiling Laozu will accept any deal, for a price, and since there is always some place in the city that is broken, infected, crawling with malice, there are always those who are willing to pay, and the Yiling Laozu will then get the job done. He helps keep the balance, where the path of traditional cultivation fails. The city can use — sometimes the city requires — someone who is just like him.

There’s some cruel irony at work here, that the only inn for days would be off-limits to him. It has been months now that he’s been travelling, months since the last rays of sunlight brushed a Gusu mountaintop golden and he wrenched himself away and out into the world, months since he’s seen—well. What are months compared to years. What are years compared to a lifetime. ; Wei Wuxian has been on the road for months, without a conscious end goal in sight. He isn’t expecting to find what he was looking for in a fully-booked-out inn in the back of beyond.

"Home," she says eventually, pointing out at the sea. "Can you swim?" She shakes her head, stops. Thinks about it. Shakes her head again. "N-n-not home." "Not your home?" Lan Zhan thinks about it. "Your home is the sea, but not this part of it?" - Lan Zhan is one of few practising cultivators left. She spends her days at sea, on her boat putting restless souls at ease. She did not realise that she, too, is a restless soul.

Lan Wangji did not at all feel a burning need to tumble down with him, to pin those straying wrists on top of his head, to straddle those thighs and discipline him thoroughly on all matters regarding rule five hundreds and fifty three. Be loyal to your spouse. Rule two thousands and eight. Do not flirt with others. Wei Ying and Wen Qing weren’t yet married. Lan Wangji’s gut was not a twisted coil. Or, Wei Ying was betrothed to the grand healer of Qishan. Lan Wangji looked at both of them, and wondered.

The Gemstone Hearts novels by Wen Wangji are Wei Ying's favourite erotic romances, and he particularly loves the audiobooks, narrated by the author himself. And then he finds out who the author is.

It’s Jin Zixuan’s birthday and everything is going super well: Wei Ying absolutely nailed the gift; Mrs Yu is being nice thanks to Mrs Jin and a very nice bottle of actual gin (you’re welcome Jiang Cheng!); and Wei Ying, resident Twink DILF (a very fine balance that he executes perfectly, thank you very much) is looking hot as fuck. Which is, of course, when Wen Chao arrives. Late, already halfway drunk and looking to stick his tongue in some poor soul’s extremely unwilling mouth. He zeroes in on Wei Ying. Oh shit. The poor soul’s extremely unwilling mouth is gonna be his. ...But maybe not. Because Wei Ying spots the world’s hottest man admiring an enormous painting at the back of the room and gets an idea. (Or, the wangxian pretend-husbands meet-cute.)

Wednesday nights at Cloud Recesses strip club are always a little weird, but usually they're not this horny. Whatever Wei Ying and Lan Zhan get up to, Mianmian is not going to be the one to clean it up.

The problem with Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji thinks as he is efficiently stripped out of the jacket and wide legged trousers that look like moonlight on water and arrayed in a gauzy blue and white gown, is that he is utterly, inescapably distracting. The way he moves with slinky, seductive grace, a barely-concealed power in every line of his lithe frame. The way he smiles and flirts with everyone—the audience, the support staff, the other models—both on and off the catwalk. The absolutely unbearable way his thighs look in the tiny satin shorts and knee-high suede boots he's currently changing out of. Lan Wangji is doing his best to maintain a professional working relationship with his fellow model Wei Wuxian, but tonight might be the straw that breaks the dragon's back.

“What gave it away?” Wei Ying asks, and he tries to laugh, but he’s still too emotional and it comes out as more of a snort. Figures. “The crying or my absolute mortification?” Lan Zhan’s throat pulls, like he’s swallowed a snort of his own. “Both strong contenders.” “Yeah,” Wei Ying says. “Do we… can we not? Talk about it?” “We don’t have to,” Lan Zhan says. He swallows again, and he shouldn’t look so shy when his mouth was on Wei Ying’s dick a few minutes ago. “But I would like to, if you’re amenable.” “C’mon, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying says, squirming. It occurs to him that his dick is still out. His balls still ache a little, but his cock’s gone soft in the… well. The everything that’s happened. “Can’t we just forget about it? Pretend it never happened and go back to normal?” Lan Zhan’s face is smooth and unreadable for a moment. Then he nods, too stiff. “If that is what you want.” What they have—it's just sex. Friends with benefits, no strings attached. At least, that's what it's supposed to be. Wei Ying comes face to face with his feelings in the midst of a risky blowjob, and things escalate from there.