Import

au where the trojan war is a party menelaus throws to win back his girlfriend who left him for some douchebag and he ropes all his friends into helping him and wacky shenanigans happen and a running gag is that odysseus doesn’t even want to be there he’s got shit to do and at the end he gets stuck in traffic on the way home #IM LAUGHIN #in the middle of it achilles throws a fit #”MAN IVE BEEN DJING FOR 3 HOURS YOU TOLD ME ID ONLY HAVE TO DO IT FOR LIKE AN HOUR” #”achilles cmon do menelaus a solid your djing is totally putting helen in the mood” #”FUCK YOU TOO AG” #he mopes upstairs to make out with his boyfriend #in the middle of a really quick’n’dirty handie someone bursts in the room all #”THIS IS AN EMERGENCY WE’RE OUT OF VODKA” #achilles is like FUCK OFF ASSHOLES I CANT PLAY BEER PONG BUT AS SOON AS YOU NEED SOMEONE TO GO ON A BOOZE RUN ITS ME. OF COURSE #patroclus is like ”well you are the fastest driver” ”I DONT CARE IM NOT GOING” #patroclus ”FINE then i’ll take your car dont be a baby” #5 minutes after patroclus is out the door achilles is like ”shit i fucked up” and catches a taxi to the liquor store #to meet up with patroclus #they drink the vodka and have sex in achilles’ car and forget all about the party on the way home odysseus gets into a very minor fender bender that’s more like a fender bumper with some shit driver who is almost DEFINITELY high. and it’s all this guy’s fault but he won’t stop screaming about how he’s gonna fucking sue and odysseus just wants to go the fuck home and the guy goes “I’M FILING THE POLICE REPORT WHO ARE YOU” and odysseus is just so done that he says “nobody” and drives the fuck off and this completely tripping guy ends up screaming to the police at the side of the road at like three in the morning “NOBODY CRASHED INTO MY CAR!!!!!” majestic-beard: #I’M FUCKING SCREAMING #THIS WOULD BE SO GOOD THO #ODYSSEUS’ GF PENELOPE IS STUCK AT ANOTHER PARTY #GETTING HIT ON BY DOUCHES FROM ANOTHER FRAT #BUT ODYSSEUS HAS TO LIKE FIND A NEW CAR AND TRIES TO BORROW ONE FROM THIS CHICK WHO GIVES HIM SOME FUCKIN LACED POT OR SOMETHING BC HE FEELS LIKE HE’S BEEN THERE FOREVER #AND MEANWHILE PENELOPE HAS BEEN FORCED TO SAY THAT SHE’LL GO HOME WITH WHOEVER CAN BEAT HER AT BEERPONG #ONLY SHE’S FUCKIN LEGENDARY #SUCKS TO SUCK THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN BEAT HER IS ODYSSEUS #BUT HE HAS TO BE ON THE DL BC THIS FRAT HATES HIS GUTS #AND HE BEATS HER #AND SHE KNOWS IT’S HIM

Wei Ying jabs the worm at him. It sways in his fingers, and some of the dirt clinging to its skin falls onto Lan Wangji’s shirt. “This little guy is the best composting worm out there. He and his buddies can eat through half of their weight in food every day. Won’t you say hi?” With a flash of horror, Lan Wangji realizes that Wei Ying expects. He looks at Wei Ying’s expectant, guileless eyes. Swallows. He holds out his hand.

Jiang Cheng stares at him. “Didn’t you say you broke up five months ago?” “Yeah.” “So why do you have a picture of you two kissing taped to your fridge?” “Because we’re too broke for magnets,” Wei Wuxian explains, then considers that statement. “Well, I’m too broke for magnets. Lan Zhan probably refuses to buy them because he’s trying to have lofty ideas about the moral failings of materialism.” Wei Wuxian navigates the trials of living with his ex-boyfriend in apartment 1301.

funny candle

Pretty hand painted mugs

The Prom musical

“Cloud Reccesses Apiary,” says a toneless, deep masculine voice, with zero question in it. Wei Ying doesn’t care, because whoever possesses that voice is probably going to come save him from bees like a fucking hero while wearing like, a suit of armor. That’s what you wear to catch bees, right? “I have like, so many bees outside my front door right now,” he says, mouth running out ahead of him before he can even begin to think about reining it in. “It’s like a sandstorm of bees out there. There are so many bees. I got out of my car and there were just bees and I don’t want these bees. Do you want these bees? Please tell me you will come get these bees. I can’t leave my house and I have enough food for maybe a week but then I’m gonna have to learn how to cook dry beans and no one wants that, especially not me.” Wei Ying runs out of air, takes a breath, and belatedly adds, “My name is Wei Ying. Hi.” Or: The beekeeping AU that no one asked for.

"You want Wen Ruohan dead," the Patriarch continued idly. "You want his corpse puppets eliminated. You want his halls burned to the ground and his soldiers disemboweled and begging for mercy. Have I about covered it?" He gave another knife-edged smile. "But what will you give me in return?" "We would be willing to offer quite a bit in return for Wen Ruohan's defeat," Lan Xichen admitted. "But I'm afraid we don't know what an immortal such as yourself desires. Please advise us." The Patriarch waved at hand at the front of the tent. "I want Second Young Master Lan." (In which the Sunshot Campaign ends through an arranged marriage to the Yiling Patriarch, and Lan Wangji suffers the mortifying ordeal of falling in love with his own husband.)

Wei Wuxian's messiness comes back to bite him in the ass, a thousand years later. *** "Why are vampire stories always I Want To Drink The Sexy Neck Milkshake and never two vampires texting about the passionate letter one wrote to the other in 1863 but never sent that the other just saw in the Smithsonian’s fall exhibition on Love Through the Ages and what the fuck, Claude, why didn’t you say anything" AU, but with immortal cultivators.

The auntie freezes. “Ah,” she says, and swallows. “That is to say…” Her fingers tighten around the basket, and she goes on, despairingly, “Has Lan-er-gongzi not… spoken to you? Of the Thousand Freedoms spirit cleansing array and its… side effects?” “A-yi,” Wei Wuxian says gravely, still petting the rabbit, “it is safe to say that he has not.”

Lan Zhan’s features are smooth. He has a hand behind his back, as usual, and when he’s a few paces away he stops. He always could execute a perfect bow, the angles of his body textbook. “Hi,” Wei Wuxian says stupidly. Lan Zhan straightens. He doesn’t blink as he says, “Wei Wuxian.” His eyebrows make the barest arc upward. “What is the nature of your visit?”

Wei Ying tips his head to indicate the roped-off room. “What’s going on over there?” “Oh!” Mo Xuanyu brightens. “We’re hosting a performance artist, one day only. His name’s Hanguang-Jun.”

Honestly something that bothers me more than most things is having my compassion mistaken for naivety. I know that another fish might eat this bullfrog right after I spend months rehabilitating it. I know that turning a beetle back onto its legs won’t save it from falling over again when I walk away. I know that there is no cosmic reward waiting for my soul based on how many worms I pick off a hot sidewalk to put into the mud, or how many times I’ve helped a a raccoon climb out of a too-deep trashcan. I know things suffer, and things struggle, and things die uselessly all day long. I’m young and idealistic, but I’m not literally a child. I would never judge another person for walking by an injured bird, for ignoring a worm, or for not really caring about the fate of a frog in a pond full of, y’know, plenty of other frogs. There is nothing wrong with that. But I cannot cannot cannot look at something struggling and ignore it if I may have the power to help. There is so much bad stuff in this world so far beyond my control, that I take comfort in the smallest, most thankless tasks. It’s a relief to say “I can help you in this moment,” even though they don’t understand. I don’t need a devil’s advocate to tell me another fish probably ate that frog when I let it go, or that the raccoon probably ended up trapped in another dumpster the next night. I know!!!! I know!!!!!!! But today I had the power to help! So I did! And it made me happy! So just leave me alone alright thank u!!!!

Tony O does not befriend losers. Tony O is not gay, not crazy, he is not particularly nice and he is most definitely not royalty. Destiny disagrees.

He can’t get Jin Guangyao’s words out of his head. If he’d only believed in Wei Wuxian, if he’d only been willing to stand up for him, could it all have been avoided?

He wonders how he can convey that message clearly and succinctly to Wei Wuxian. Should he write it in a text? What would he even write? Dear Wei Ying, I would like it very much if you put your cock inside me? (Or, the Lan Wangji forgets his husband fic that nobody asked for.)

Oscar darling and GQ's Hottest Buns 2017-20 Wei Wuxian doesn't want to get held up in the coffee line and pays for the guy in front of him. When it turns out that it's the only person in Beijing who doesn't recognise him, Wei Wuxian couldn't be more delighted. When he accidentally leaves his wallet at home, Lan Wangji, the only classical musician and composer who could actually boast of being famous on a global scale, is ready for the most embarrassing moment of his life. When the man behind him pays for him, he's ready to refuse any and all advances. Until it turns out that he doesn't know who Lan Wangji is. Or: Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are famous. They don't realise this about each other. Cue Lan Wangji desperately trying to be Wei Wuxian's sugar daddy while Wei Wuxian worries that Lan Wangji won't be able to make rent this month.

This is the most important day of their lives. Naturally, they wake up late, hungover and with magical doodles scrawled on their skin. (in which they are friends who share a single brain cell)

Three months ago, Lan Xichen introduced Wei Wuxian by bringing him to Lan Wangji’s office and saying, “Wangji, this is our new teen librarian. I’m sure you’ll be happy to show him around since you’ll be working closely together.” Lan Wangji did not and does not feel that this was in any way an adequate introduction to Wei Wuxian. Featuring: critical librarianship, rabbit-themed office supplies, and an elderly cat named Bunny.

Andrew is just trying to make it through the rest of high school without murdering someone with an exy stick (most likely Kevin) or dying of boredom, whichever comes first, when a blue-eyed flight risk quietly transfers into their dead-end school and proceeds to disrupt Andrew's life as he knew it. A story about navigating the path to healing and recovery, miscommunications, messy feelings, family bonding through teenage dumbassery, and minimal exy-playing (sorry, Kevin).

Wei Wuxian comes back to Cloud Recesses after a year of wandering the world, hoping to start a relationship with Lan Zhan. He doesn’t expect to come into the middle of a case of sleeping sickness mysteriously killing people, nor does he expect what follows, putting everything he holds dear on the line once again.

For six thousand years, Aziraphale did his best to exist within the strictures of Heavenly conduct. It wasn’t a perfect practice; his relationship with Crowley, just for example, was never exactly what one might call “officially sanctioned,” or even, “particularly wise,” but the important thing was that Aziraphale tried. He wasn’t a very good angel, but he did his best, more or less. Wasn’t that all anyone could really ask of him? It doesn’t really feel fair, is the point, that in reward for saving the world, Aziraphale seems to be having something of an existential crisis.

Wei Ying turns to say something and trips. Lan Wangji is too far away to catch him as he falls. "Oops," Wei Ying says. "I should watch where I'm going, shouldn't I?" Wei Wuxian sprains his ankle. Lan Wangji will not let that ruin their first date.

Among the cultivation sects and beyond, the soulmate threads are a shared and common knowledge: blue for a familial soulmate. Silver for a friend. Red for a lover. Lan Zhan is eight years old when the red thread first appears on his wrist.

Dorian Pavus, Wei Wuxian, and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known.

Wei Ying works through how he feels about his body, and what that means for his relationship with Lan Zhan. As it turns out, mostly good things. // Huiasang raises a wry eyebrow. “Three days ago you sent me a text that said, and I quote ‘Maybe not cis?? Alarm emoji, crying laughing emoji, knife emoji. Are you around this week dw if not!!’ which is. Pretty much all the context I’m working off here. That, and the fact that you like to say pussy in bed. And my accumulated knowledge of you over the past 15 years of our lives, during which time you have become one of my top three cis people. I gotta warn you, the trans category is a lot more competitive.”

Izuku Midoriya used to want to be a hero. It seems a distant dream, now, after everything that he's done—after everything that he's been made to do. But it's still there. It's a dim, flickering flame, burning lower by the day. He doesn't have time to concern himself with that though, these days he's too focused on staying alive to think too much about what he can never have. Then All Might takes a job teaching at UA, and the universe says hey you know what would be fun? What if we fucked Izuku over even more than we already have? and thus, Izuku ends up in the General Education class of UA with strict instructions to report everything he can, because, thank fucking no one, he just can't catch a goddamn break. AKA Hisashi Midoriya is a member of one of the most notorious underground supervillain organizations, and Izuku is being forced to help them (even though, trust him, he'd really rather not). Too bad that they don't predict that Izuku's going to get adopted by half the faculty when they send him to spy on the prestigious hero academy.

The paper cranes were Betsy’s idea. She’d brought it up to him in one of their sessions and explained that it could be used to help center Andrew during his depressive episodes. At first, Andrew thought it was an incredibly stupid idea. But as usual, Betsy was right. Creating something from nothing but a scrap of paper did help. Whenever Andrew felt too destructive, too angry, too hollow, the small paper cranes were enough of a distraction for him to get a grasp over himself again. Andrew is a high school student struggling to juggle his depression, therapy, and discordant family life when he meets the mysterious new student at Palmetto High, Neil Josten, a former runaway that makes Andrew fall fast. As suggested by his therapist, Andrew makes origami cranes to cope with the mounting pressures of life.

Esteemed cultivation professor Lan Wangji demonstrates how to deal with demons. He does not recommend marrying them as a general rule, but it's worked out well for him so far.

Lizzie gradually takes over the running of Longbourn after becoming aware of her father's neglect... with impacts far greater than she could have ever imagined.