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me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU Hey OP? What the FUCK does this mean? decay exists as an extant form of life That’s a terrifying answer, have a nice day

To say that he runs to his car would be incorrect, as he is a Lan, and running is both undignified and unnecessary unless in immediate danger. Nor does he slam his key into the ignition, or aggressively swerve around the cars on the freeway, or have a mild panic attack at the fact he is picking A-Yuan up late from school for the first time ever. He comes close, though. By the time he arrives, it’s 4:35PM, and he has imagined about fifty different worse-case scenarios. The door is partly open when he gets to it, a messy label of 104B—Art Room scrawled with chalk on a placard next to the faded wood. As he opens it fully, he expects to see a wailing, terrified child, or perhaps a scene of utter misery and betrayal. What he finds is his son, hands covered in paint, being sung to by a beautiful, dark-haired stranger. “Ducks live in the pond, yellow ducks, happy ducks!” Lan Wangji stops in his tracks. (Or: Falling in love with your son’s art teacher, in five parts)

“If I have to answer this bullshit, you do too, Wei Ying. Who’s your, whatever, celebrity gay exception?” Jiang Cheng asks. Nie Huaisang nods in agreement and looks at Wei Ying expectantly. “Oh, Lan Wangji,” Wei Ying says promptly. They both blink at him.

“Boys,” he says out loud. Lan Zhan takes back his boba and stirs it with the straw. Then he takes a sip, which Wei Ying had not been ready for, because his mouth had been on that straw about ten seconds ago, and if Lan Zhan’s mouth is also on that straw, now, then—“Boys?” Lan Zhan repeats. His tone is questioningly amused. Then. Profit? “Hhhhhhh.” Straw? Mouth? Mouth? Lan Zhan chews on a pearl thoughtfully. “Take your time,” he says, swallowing. The bob of his throat under the white choker he’s wearing today can ruin entire cities, Wei Ying decides. (Or, the one with food emojis as a love language.)

cats freaking out at their owners with cat face paint on

A great calamity fell upon Qishan Wen. It's said that some of the Wens still live, surviving on turnips and raw hope, but Jiang Cheng has not thought of Qishan Wen in years. He has enough on his mind with securing a lecture for Yunmeng Jiang, and somehow, dealing with Wei Wuxian's nauseating affection for Lan Wangji.

After college Andrew left behind both exy and Neil. Five years later, he’s built himself a stable life with nothing wanting. Sure, he hasn’t had a meaningful relationship since college, but he hasn’t found anyone compatible and he’s not overly interested in romance, anyway. He has friends, family, and pets; he’s not missing out on anything. Or so he thinks, until a chance encounter brings him back in contact with his unfairly attractive ex. As he and Neil get to know each other again, Andrew starts thinking that maybe, just maybe, he’s allowed to have it all.

The fic where Wei Wuxian is adopted by the Dafan Mountain Wens instead of the Yunmeng Jiang.

“It’s okay that you miss him,” said Lan Wangji, a familiar litany to them both by now. “Do you feel sad?” “I feel sad,” A-Yuan repeated, shoulders hitching with tiny hiccuping sniffs. “When is he coming back?” “I don’t know. I am not sure where he is.” But this seemed to frustrate A-Yuan. “Xian-gege! I miss him! Please, baba?” He looked up at him with wet cheeks and a wide, quivering frown. “Please baba can you ask him? I really miss him!” He sobbed again, heartbreakingly. It stabbed straight through him, cracking open the reservoir of loss and helplessness that was all his own. His child’s grief did that, sometimes. It always took him by surprise. He caught his breath sharply and gathered A-Yuan into his arms, holding him tight until the pain ebbed. “I will try,” he said softly into A-Yuan’s hair, when he could speak again. He never made uncertain promises and tried not even to raise uncertain hopes, but his son was hurting. His son believed he could make it better. He couldn’t not try. Wen Qing might at least know who this “Xian-gege” was. He would text her in the morning. It would be a start.

every once in a while, i remember how psychotic and twisted obito ended up becoming, and to this day, i can’t forgive kishi for talk-no-jutsu’ing someone who was effectively one of the most murderous and manipulative people in the naruto canon, like obito should have died as he lived, kicking and screaming, on the same chidori that killed his beloved, reminding kakashi that he, too, would end up becoming just like him bc the whole point was that war is hell, and people facilitate that hell, and instead… he died….. like a bitch……….. absolved…………… by saint naruto……………. you really do hate to see it. --- not sure if I actually agree but absolved by saint naruto made me laugh so

Wei Wuxian dies at twenty-two and doesn’t come back. Lan Wangji dies in an “unfortunate accident” in a temple in Yunping at thirty-seven. The world moves on. Thousands of years later, Wei Ying and Lan Zhan have a senior thesis in cultivation to co-write on the Yiling Patriarch. It doesn’t go exactly how they were expecting. - “I still do not understand why you were able to read the journal in the first place,” Lan Zhan says. Wei Ying grins. “You’ll laugh,” he says. He won’t, of course. Lan Zhan doesn’t laugh. But maybe he can swing a smile. “It’s because of the name thing. He wrote his name into the scrambling talisman. So it says that no one can undo the lock but Wei Ying.” He hooks a thumb at himself. Everyone’s always said his name is unlucky. This is the first time it’s worked out in his favor. It’s not a coincidence either; apparently his mother thought it would be funny. Mrs. Yu had told him that with a curl in her lip, as if it didn’t make him wish he knew his parents even more.

Dumbledore: You must understand, Harry, Professor Snape had a very terrible childhood. Harry: I understand. I’m having a very terrible childhood right now.

About ten years ago, sometime in the eventful 2006-2007 George W. Bush-ruled hellscape of my identity development, I was just starting to figure out how I felt about my conservative upbringing (not great) and whether I was some brand of queer (probably, but too scared to think about what brand for too long). I was working as a server at a popular Italian-inspired sit-down restaurant that was the closest thing my tiny South Carolinian town had to “fancy” at the time but isn’t really fancy at all. The host brought a party of four men to one of my tables. It was hard to tell their ages, but my guess is they were teenagers or in their early 20s in the 1980s. Mid-40s, at the time. It was standard to ask if anyone at the table was celebrating anything, so I did. They said they were business partners celebrating a great business deal and would like a bottle of wine. ---- They’re all on the fence about dessert, so being a good server, I offered to bring out the dessert menu so they could glance it over and make a decision, “Since you’re celebrating.” “She’s right!” one of the men said, far too emphatically for a conversation on dessert. “It’s your anniversary! You should get dessert!” It was like a movie. The whole table went absolutely silent. The clank of silverware at the next table sounded supernaturally loud. Dean Martin warbled “That’s Amore” in some distorted alternate universe where the rest of the restaurant went on acting like this one tipsy man hadn’t just shattered their carefully crafted cover story and blurted out in the middle of a tiny, South Carolina town, surrounded by conservatives and rednecks, that they were gay men celebrating a relationship milestone. And I didn’t know what I was yet, but I knew I wasn’t an asshole, and I knew these men were family, and I felt their panic like a monster breathing down all our necks. It’s impossible to emphasize how palpably terrified they were, and how justified their terror was, and how much I wanted them to be happy. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I said, “Congratulations! How many years?” The man who’d spoken up burst into tears. His partner stood up and wrapped me in the tightest, warmest hug I’ve ever had – and I’ve never liked being touched by strangers, but this was different, and I hugged him back. “Thank you,” he whispered, halfway to crying himself. “Thank you so much.”

The reboot completes, and Wei Ying’s brain smashes this information together into two mind-shattering thoughts. Number one, he knew very well already, and is now further seared by defined muscles and a mouth-watering tattoo into his every waking moment: Lan Zhan is the hottest fucking person on the planet. Number two: that guy wasn’t visiting Lan Zhan’s neighbour, he was visiting Lan Zhan, which means: Lan Zhan fucks. Lan Zhan fucks. Lan Zhan fucks. ; Lan Zhan has been Wei Ying's best friend for years. Literally, years. How did he not already know? How has he missed this most important of facts? And more importantly, how is he ever going to get over it?

The Lans paid a bride price for Wei Ying. His dowry will be a house on Jiang land. It isn't traditional, but everyone hopes it's the foundation of a clan alliance that can withstand the Wens. Lan Zhan just wants to marry his husband.

Lan WangJi was married off when he was young, at the whim of the Emperor of the time, to a boy he hardly knew. They lived in the same house for less than two months. He was still married, though that boy had been dead for thirteen years. It seemed quite clear to him that he was still married.

Andrew's life is a trial of monotony and ticked boxes. When a stranger calls and keeps calling, it's still monotonous and boxes are still ticked. But there's another box. A different box. It's that box and the stranger with his mystery number that makes all the difference.

Taylor Swift playlist for Wagxian

Wei Ying 21:09 hey lan zhan what’s the weirdest way youve died Lan Zhan 21:11 Falling encyclopedias. Wei Ying 21:12 omg no way that’s so rude turning books against you??? Lan Zhan 21:13 A betrayal I will never forget. On Halloween night, an exiled demonic cultivator and a Lan disciple get stuck in a time-loop, find each other, and try to figure it all out.

"And for Lan Zhan? He's not going to believe that I mentioned A-Yuan to him and he's the one who forgot about it." Nie Huaisang lifts his wine glass and gestures with it a little, like a sage who has given his advice and now the rest is Wei Wuxian's problem. "You're just going to have to pretend very hard. Don't let him break you." Or: The one where Wei Wuxian secretly adopts A-Yuan and when he tries to convince Lan Wangji he had a kid all along, Lan Wangji rolls with it, ups the ante, and sets off a game of chicken that digs up buried feelings that Wei Wuxian is 100% sure he's not going to act on. Okay, 90% sure.

Shang Qinghua slips up, revealing himself not only as a transmigrator but as the author himself. Together, Shen Qingqiu and Shang Qinghua have about a year to figure out how to manipulate the plot around the Endless Abyss without being insta-killed by the System, which is difficult and dangerous but surprisingly straightforward—all they have to do is make a deal with a demon. …Or two. Three, tops.

Wei Wuxian was the most infamous street racer of his generation. They still speak of him now, the stuff of legend: the reckless abandon, the hair pin turns, midnight races over dangerous tracks. His death, racing through the streets of Nightless City with his sister in the passenger seat, the moment when his luck finally ran out. 10 years later, Mo Xuanyu enters his first street race.

"That Wei Wuxian, you know he used to be such a promising cultivator. Head Disciple of the Jiang Clan, can you believe it? You see, juniors, the punishment for traveling the path of demonic cultivation. No golden core, not so much as a whisper of spiritual power." As a punishment for real and imagined crimes, Wei Wuxian is sentenced to work at Cloud Recesses as the lowest of servants. When a surprising reassignment lands him with eleven children to care for, everything changes again. A Sound of Music AU

“Hey, Lan Zhan,” he says, after a while “why do you like it? Why do you want me to cry, I mean?” Lan Zhan’s ears go bright red, an immediate, suffused flush, and Wei Ying cackles, pokes his arm. “If I have to talk about it, so do you!” // Wei Ying cries during sex for the first time, and doesn't know quite what to think. They keep trying, and keep talking, and learn a lot about how best to love each other in the process.

Oh, Wei Ying thought faintly, I do love him. He tested the thought, the way it sank into his bones and settled deep inside him like it had always been there, and maybe it had. Wei Ying had taken one look at Lan Zhan all those months ago when he had still been ‘Lan Wangji’ and had never looked back. - Or, when Wei Ying was told he was going to the lecture at Cloud Recesses, he never expected for his life to change this drastically. - In which Wei Ying is a wolf, Lan Xichen knew first, and Cloud Recesses becomes home.

Wei Ying leaves. He follows.

"Fine," Wen Qing says, turning back to Wei Ying. "You're pregnant." Lan Zhan feels his mouth drop open and has to work to shut it. Wei Ying reacts not at all. He's swinging his feet where he's sitting on the table, a bored expression on his face. Wen Qing just looks at him. "I am not joking about that." Wei Ying stops swinging his feet. He blinks several times in a row. "Wait," he says. Or: I woke up at 3AM and sent myself an email that just said: Modern cultivation friends curse sexy pollen hook up desperate WWX gets pregnant And then I wrote it. In three weeks. IDK.

After meeting with Wei Ying in Yiling, Lan Wangji fully intends to return home to Cloud Recesses. But his body has other ideas, and he finds it unexpectedly hard to leave A-Yuan. For A-Yuan's sake, he agrees to spend the night at the Burial Mounds...and eventually winds up in Wei Ying's bed. (In which Lan Wangji is in love and also suffering from an unexpected bout of baby fever.)

Disney Mulan reaction vid

DMBJ/The Lost Tomb Reboot