How are codependents controlling? I’m a little confused. I was in a codependent relationship. I have codependent tendencies but to my knowledge I was the one that was getting controlled. I didn’t control the other person nor did I want to. I just want to understand is there something I’m missing…. : r/Codependency
a healthy person asks for what they need and trusts others to help them. And a healthy person also trusts others to figure out their own lives and ask for advice when needed. Co-dependent people do literally every other single thing in dealing with people, because they lack the self-esteem to be direct. Codependent people wheedle, whine, charm, bribe, get sick, delay, interfere, etc.—because they don’t have the self-esteem to ask and trust. Because living with an addicted person often means that we asked and we’re not heard or helped, so we learned 300 alternate ways to get what we needed. That’s how I see it. We were smart as children to discover these survival techniques. But as adults, it’s all so dysfunctional, the manipulation, rescuing, feeling overly responsible for everyone and everything. We try to control everything because we don’t trust anything. It’s an exhausting way to live, and it harms everyone in our circle. We interfere with natural consequences that help other people grow. We give our all, and people just resent it, because nobody wants to be controlled.
My codependent partner, who felt like I was dependent on them and saw me as the “taker”, withheld important information from me about their feelings. They continued to give and give without being honest with me, partly because they were scared to hurt me and be the cause of my pain, partly because they were afraid of abandonment themselves, partly because they felt compelled to maintain their self image of “the perfect partner” that I thought they were. This is controlling and manipulative because my partner was trying to control the emotional outcome of everything by hiding their feelings from me. In this withholding, they built up intense resentment towards me and our relationship, blaming me as the reason they couldn’t share their feelings instead of being reflective on their people pleasing and conflict avoidant tendencies. All of this behavior is in fact manipulation because it is robbing me (or whoever else is involved) of my own autonomy and decision making, leaving me completely in the dark, making me feel like I am in a perfect relationship when I’m not.
I learned that you can’t control how people respond or treat you, but you can control how you respond to them. But you can’t do better till you know how to, so having self compassion is very essential
The way I interpret it is that the essence of codependency is feeling powerless. We are unable to deal with the fact that the world is not treating us the way we wish to be treated.
Some people deal with the feeling of powerlessness by being angry and controlling. By holding on to someone else very tightly so we can force them to understand and behave toward us how we wish to be treated.
Other people deal with that feeling of powerlessness by being passive aggressive, by fawning, by being nice to people who don't deserve it with the hope that the other person will respond by being nice to us back, the way we wish to be treated.
Both perspectives are problematic in that our feeling of self-worth is dependent on how others treat us, rather than coming from within ourselves.
We’re trying to control outcomes because we feel terrified, not trusting that natural outcomes will be survivable. We’re trying to control perceptions because we feel we are deeply unlovable and will be abandoned and left to die if we can’t make a good impression. We’re not super controllers because we think we know best or we have extra power. It’s all born of fear. It’s still damaging to other people, but … I couldn’t see my own codependent manipulative behaviors for a long time because I knew how loving and well-meaning I was.
Because I had bad parents, and I was sure I had given 100 percent to being a great parent. I’m trying to forgive myself by saying none of my parenting errors were intentional. But because I had untreated depression, she saw me cry a lot, which affected her. Even worse, she worried about my mental health so much that she was afraid to leave and hang out with her teen friends. All the while, in my mind, I was thrilled to have this close and faithful companion. It was my job to recognize that I was leaning on her too much, and I failed at that, because it felt too good to have the unconditional love I’d always needed. It’s almost like manipulation by omission. By instincts had me clinging to her, and she was too kind-hearted to push me away.