One of the most important things which adults and young people tell me about is the process of working out how to make a situation work for them. It’s a process of knowing yourself and how you work best, and then finding the flexibilities in your environment which you can use.
The more flexible an environment is, the more possible this becomes. The better a person knows themselves, the more they can do it. As they practice, they are able to see the possibilities, to work out where the flex is – and therefore, the better they can find a way to do the things which are important to them.
They find the flex, and often they feel bad about it. Other adults tell them that they are spoiling their child, or coddling them, and they’ll never learn to cope if someone is always there to help. They say that they are avoiding, and they’ll get more anxious as result. We see conforming to the expectations of the environment as something to aim for. We think that the environment should be rigid and the child flexible, and we blame them if they aren’t.
‘Does it have to be this way?’ ‘Why?’
Our children can learn to find the flex, but only if we make it possible for them. It’s a skill which needs practice. Just as parents learn how to do it when their children require it, children learn by seeing that it’s possible.
They can’t do it if there’s no potential for change. They can’t do it if their only option is to fit in.
They learn when we give them lots of opportunities to be in flexible environments, where they can make decisions which matter. Lots of chances to say no, and then to dip a toe in and say ‘maybe yes’. Lots of opportunities to sit on the side lines until they want to join in (or decide it’s not for them). And places where knowing that you need a break is valued just as much as driving yourself on.
Knowing themselves is the most valuable gift we can give our children. Knowing their strengths and what makes them tick, and knowing how to see the flex in a situation. Finding the ways in which it will work for them, and feeling good about doing so.
Our children won’t thrive because they have learnt to fit in. They’ll flourish because they have learnt not to.