Neurologically speaking, the LEFT hand is actually the one at the end of the RIGHT arm.

At 8 drinks, you switch the torrent from FreeBSD to Microsoft Bob. C'mon, it'll be fun!

2017 called, but I couldn't understand what they were saying over all the screams.

I bet my future kids will read this someday. DEAR FUTURE KIDS: how did you get internet in the cellar?

Socrates could've saved himself a lot of trouble if he'd just brought a flashlight, tranquilizer gun, and a bunch of rescue harnesses.

Did he just go crazy and jump out the window?

And yet I never stop thinking, 'sure, these ingredients cost more than a restaurant meal, but think how many meals I'll get out of them! Especially since each one will have leftovers!'

It's hard to fit in the backseat of my flying car with my android Realdoll when we're both wearing jetpacks.

Someone should really bring them a ladder and remind them to build the Endless Stair *first* next time.

This message brought to you by the Society of Astronomers Trapped on the Surface of a Sphere.

'You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--' 'Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?' 'Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.'

Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. There is no road out of this oblivion; we must embrace it. We must join with the darkness. Ba'al the Annihilator offers us no happiness, no answers, naught but the cold embrace of the void. To imagine any other end is delusion. We must give in to the will of Ba'al, for he will one day consume us and our world alike. I therefore call on Congress to fully fund space exploration, and to join with Ba'al, the Eate...

Remember, meteors always hit the tallest object around.

BUT WHAT IF I REASSURE MYSELF WITH A JOKE AND THEN DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE RASH AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE DEATH MITES AND I COULD HAVE CAUGHT IT

Programming the sexbots to enjoy sex seemed a sensible move at the time, but we didn't realize the consequences of their developing fetishes.

I'm leaning toward fifteen. There are a lot of them.

Better change the URL to 'https' before downloading.

You may point out that strictly speaking, you can use that statement to prove that all risks are tiny--to which I reply HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT FOR THAT DOG!

r/xkcd: /r/xkcd is the subreddit for the popular webcomic xkcd by Randall Munroe. Come to discuss the comics and other work by Randall with other fans.

Ahem. We are STRICTLY an Orbiter shop.

Son, don't try to play 'make you feel bad' with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.

To get more knowledge

If you call my regular number, it just goes to my pager.

If you have any ideas, I hear you can send them to iaupublic@iap.fr.

Oh, definitely not; they don't have Amazon Prime.

That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.

'Why don't you just point it at their eye directly?' 'What is this, 2007?'