That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.

Or that I'm at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...

You know what happens when you assert--you make an ass out of the emergency response team.

We're firing you, but the online headline-writing division wants to hire you.

I have never been lied to by data in a .txt file which has been hand-aligned.

It's ok, they'll always let you opt out! Like they did with the YouTube real name profile thing.

And it doesn't pop up a box every time asking you to use your real name. In fact, there's no way to set your name at all. You just have to keep reminding people who you are.

Maybe we should give up on the whole idea of a 'back' button. 'Show me that thing I was looking at a moment ago' might just be too complicated an idea for the modern web.

I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there's nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.

'It has a ghost in it. Take it back.' 'No.'

Protip: You can win every exchange just by being one level more precise than whoever talked last. Eventually, you'll defeat all conversational opponents and stand alone.

'Automating' comes from the roots 'auto-' meaning 'self-', and 'mating', meaning 'screwing'.

What I really want is to hang out where I hung out with my friends in college, but have all my older relatives there too.

Stay warm, little flappers, and find lots of plant eggs!

And thus was smallpox introduced into the previously Undying Lands.

To whoever typed 'why is arwen dying': GOOD. FUCKING. QUESTION.

It was finally destroyed with a nuclear weapon carrying the destructive energy of the Hiroshima bomb.

I guess it's a saying from the Old Country.

As best as I can tell, I was transported here from Earth Prime sometime in the late 1990s. Your universe is identical in every way, except for the lobster thing and the thing where some of you occasionally change your clocks for some reason.

In a cavern deep below the Earth, Ayn Rand, Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, Ann Druyan, Paul Rudd, Alan Alda, and Duran Duran meet together in the Secret Council of /(b[plurandy]+b ?){2}/i.

If you fund my Kickstarter ...

I asked a few friends whether they'd had this happen, then looked up the popularity of their initials/names over time. Based on those numbers, it looks like there must be at least 750,000 people in the US alone who think 'Sure, that's probably my email address' on a regular basis.

The LEGO Group is already the world's largest tire manufacturer.

A few minutes later, the goat from behind door C drives away in the car.

It was bound to happen eventually. This data theft will enable almost limitless [xkcd.com/792]-style password reuse attacks in the coming weeks. There's only one group that comes out of this looking smart: Everyone who pirated Photoshop.

It'll be hilarious the first few times this happens.

INSIDE ELON MUSK'S NEW ATOMIC CAT

Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you'll end up co-orbiting the Sun alongside Earth, living out your days alone in the void within sight of the lush, welcoming home you left behind.

When the results are published, no one will be sure whether to report on them again.