Comics

Protip: You can win every exchange just by being one level more precise than whoever talked last. Eventually, you'll defeat all conversational opponents and stand alone.

'It has a ghost in it. Take it back.' 'No.'

I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there's nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.

Maybe we should give up on the whole idea of a 'back' button. 'Show me that thing I was looking at a moment ago' might just be too complicated an idea for the modern web.

And it doesn't pop up a box every time asking you to use your real name. In fact, there's no way to set your name at all. You just have to keep reminding people who you are.

It's ok, they'll always let you opt out! Like they did with the YouTube real name profile thing.

I have never been lied to by data in a .txt file which has been hand-aligned.

We're firing you, but the online headline-writing division wants to hire you.

You know what happens when you assert--you make an ass out of the emergency response team.

Or that I'm at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...

'You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--' 'Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?' 'Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.'

Programming the sexbots to enjoy sex seemed a sensible move at the time, but we didn't realize the consequences of their developing fetishes.

Oh, definitely not; they don't have Amazon Prime.

If you close an account while it's still friends with people, it contributes to database linkage accumulation slowdown, which is a major looming problem for web infrastructure and definitely not a thing I just made up.

If you call my regular number, it just goes to my pager.

If you have any ideas, I hear you can send them to iaupublic@iap.fr.

'Why don't you just point it at their eye directly?' 'What is this, 2007?'

You may point out that strictly speaking, you can use that statement to prove that all risks are tiny--to which I reply HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT FOR THAT DOG!

Remember, meteors always hit the tallest object around.

Better change the URL to 'https' before downloading.

This message brought to you by the Society of Astronomers Trapped on the Surface of a Sphere.

Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. There is no road out of this oblivion; we must embrace it. We must join with the darkness. Ba'al the Annihilator offers us no happiness, no answers, naught but the cold embrace of the void. To imagine any other end is delusion. We must give in to the will of Ba'al, for he will one day consume us and our world alike. I therefore call on Congress to fully fund space exploration, and to join with Ba'al, the Eate...

Ahem. We are STRICTLY an Orbiter shop.

I'm leaning toward fifteen. There are a lot of them.

To get more knowledge

Son, don't try to play 'make you feel bad' with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.

BUT WHAT IF I REASSURE MYSELF WITH A JOKE AND THEN DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE RASH AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE DEATH MITES AND I COULD HAVE CAUGHT IT

That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.

Someone should really bring them a ladder and remind them to build the Endless Stair *first* next time.

It's hard to fit in the backseat of my flying car with my android Realdoll when we're both wearing jetpacks.